Yeah, forget it. Forget that last post and the one before it. I've decided to move on and forget about the whole thing; it's just not worth stressing over. I didn't want to just delete those posts because that would be a jerk move and it would make you guys worry about me more.
Please, don't worry about me.
I can handle whatever's going on with my head on my own. I know it sound cliché, but it's true. I was making a huge deal out of something that probably was just nothing.
I've been under a lot of stress lately with school and other things. I don't blog about that sort of thing anymore, since after getting involved with you guys... It all just seems too trite and unimportant to trouble anyone with. I might start doing regular blogging again- It's probably better for me than I realize.
So yeah, it was nothing. The obsession with Order, the codes- I'm going to leave it be. Nothing good can come of me continuing to dwell on this. Down that road lies madness, quite literally.
Thanks for your help and support, you guys. I'll be there to support you all as well, I can promise you that. I'm keeping safe and keeping sane, so y'all better do the same, okay?
Friday, February 4, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Okay, this isn't going to make any sense- I'm sorry about that, really, it hurts me more than it hurts you to say all this. It's stupid, it's
crazy, it's I don't even know anymore, I'm only half-coherent, but here goes.
I can't do anything anymore. I can't draw, I can't write, I can barely leave my house without having a, I don't know, a fit. My head hurts, I feel nauseous, everything I see feels strange and alien and
wrong. It's like looking through a funhouse mirror, except I know for sure that nothing has changed. I want to fix it- I want to fix everything. It's been driving me insane, looking around and only seeing WRONG. What the hell is wrong with me? Is it OCD? Am I actually going insane?
I have what you might call a crippling fear of
insanity. Going crazy, being unable to understand or be understood, the very idea of it makes me want to curl up and cry. It has to be the worst fate in the world. I can't even take jokes about mentally disturbed people well- It hits too close to home. Is this relevant? I don't know, what the hell.
But here's the deal- You've probably noticed that I've been going out of my way to organize things. I cleaned my room top to bottom for no reason. It wasn't in the photos, but I freaking OVERHAULED MY BOOKSHELVES. I have a total of four bookshelves in my room, stuffed with books. They were a complete
mess until one day I looked at them and I was suddenly horrified by how messy it was. So I organized them. All of them. It wasn't even a choice- I absolutely positively HAD to do it. Looking at it made me feel sick.
Here's the dumb part though- You ready? See the above paragraphs? How many words are crossed out and underlined? Yeah, I've been doing that for a while, haven't I. Capitalizing and underlining the word "Order." Striking out, you know, the opposite of that. I wasn't unconscious or doing it against my will. I knew perfectly well I was doing it, but it, I don't know, it seemed logical at the time. It was just natural to do it- Like any other rule of grammar. I didn't mention it, no one mentioned it. Move along folks, it's someone else's problem! Let's just ignore it! It doesn't make a difference anyway. At least it wasn't binary, right?
Look, I've rewritten and deleted this same entry five times. It makes no sense, it's
crazy, it makes me sick looking at this mess of chaotic ideas and words and it's all meaningless to me, I can't even read what I've written, I'm just going to submit this and hope maybe someone knows what's wrong with me
i woke up at two in the morning today. i was upstairs, cleaning and organizing everything. my sister's room and my mom's office had also been organized. i'm scared.