Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I don't know what I'm doing

Okay, this isn't going to make any sense- I'm sorry about that, really, it hurts me more than it hurts you to say all this. It's stupid, it's crazy, it's I don't even know anymore, I'm only half-coherent, but here goes. 

I can't do anything anymore. I can't draw, I can't write, I can barely leave my house without having a, I don't know, a fit. My head hurts, I feel nauseous, everything I see feels strange and alien and wrong. It's like looking through a funhouse mirror, except I know for sure that nothing has changed. I want to fix it- I want to fix everything. It's been driving me insane, looking around and only seeing WRONG. What the hell is wrong with me? Is it OCD? Am I actually going insane

I have what you might call a crippling fear of insanity. Going crazy, being unable to understand or be understood, the very idea of it makes me want to curl up and cry. It has to be the worst fate in the world. I can't even take jokes about mentally disturbed people well- It hits too close to home. Is this relevant? I don't know, what the hell.

But here's the deal- You've probably noticed that I've been going out of my way to organize things. I cleaned my room top to bottom for no reason. It wasn't in the photos, but I freaking OVERHAULED MY BOOKSHELVES. I have a total of four bookshelves in my room, stuffed with books. They were a complete mess until one day I looked at them and I was suddenly horrified by how messy it was. So I organized them. All of them. It wasn't even a choice- I absolutely positively HAD to do it. Looking at it made me feel sick.

Here's the dumb part though- You ready? See the above paragraphs? How many words are crossed out and underlined? Yeah, I've been doing that for a while, haven't I. Capitalizing and underlining the word "Order." Striking out, you know, the opposite of that. I wasn't unconscious or doing it against my will. I knew perfectly well I was doing it, but it, I don't know, it seemed logical at the time. It was just natural to do it- Like any other rule of grammar. I didn't mention it, no one mentioned it. Move along folks, it's someone else's problem! Let's just ignore it! It doesn't make a difference anyway. At least it wasn't binary, right?

Look, I've rewritten and deleted this same entry five times. It makes no sense, it's crazy, it makes me sick looking at this mess of chaotic ideas and words and it's all meaningless to me, I can't even read what I've written, I'm just going to submit this and hope maybe someone knows what's wrong with me

i woke up at two in the morning today. i was upstairs, cleaning and organizing everything. my sister's room and my mom's office had also been organized. i'm scared.


  1. Well, It's sort of like my crippling fear of yelling. You just want to fix it when it happens.

    Not remembering organizing things is bad though. Maybe it's like sleep walking? It doesn't seem to exactly be harmful. :/

    I'm sorry this isn't very useful Holly. I'm trying.

  2. @Holly: You. Did. Not. Fail. We love you Holly. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Now we can try to help you, or recommend ways to help you.

    You not being at the top of your game is not equal to failing.

  3. Look, I know this sounds crazy, but I really, really don't think this is anything as simple as a bad day. Something is wrong, and I can't figure out what it is. I'm obsessed over this vague concept, this idea of being the one to impose _Order_ on... something. It's crazy and I want it to stop, but it's making it hard for me to leave my house. I'm scared.

    I love you too. Thanks so much for all the love and support. I wish I had a better explanation, instead of just flailing around vaguely with some Stephen King bullcrap.

  4. Hi...I hope this isn't too presumptuous and I REALLY hope this doesn't make things worse, but...I read your post and know exactly what you mean.
    Well, not exactly, I guess. I have (mild) OCD, and I know the feeling of having to impose order on chaos, having to organize things so they make sense, doing things in certain ways because if you don't something ill-defined but BAD will happen.
    This isn't saying that you also have OCD...which, given your fear of mental illness, I hope you don't. But I did want to say you're not alone.
    Hope this helps a little.

  5. Thanks, Ali. It's good to hear someone who sorta gets where I'm coming from. I doubt it's OCD, but it's the only rational explanation... I haven't shown any sign of it until the last couple of months. Does OCD just randomly manifest like that?

  6. Holly, I must agree with Sammie. You are not failing at all. As for the obsession over imposing Order, do not fret. When the moment is right, you will know exactly what it is you need to do. Until then, hang in there. We care about you, and as Sammie said, we do love you. We are here for you if you need us.


  7. Thanks so much, Lucien. I really appreciate it.

    I'm gonna try to sleep now; hopefully I won't wake up balancing mom's checkbook or some nonsense. Heh.

  8. I haven't done a lot of research on it after being diagnosed (actually I probably should have) so I'm not sure if it can develop quickly. I know that mine started developing when I was maybe thirteen, fourteen years old, got a lot worse during my teen years, and now seems to be getting a bit better (knock wood). So there are varying levels of intensity, at least.
    Try not to worry too much, if you can. It's going to be ok.

  9. ...I should never have dragged you into this. I encouraged you.

    For that, I'm sorry - I'm selfish, I was hiding for so long and worrying all of you - and I deeply regret that I could have helped... this along. I noticed, and it bothered me, but never did I say anything.

    Of course, given your next post, I'm not sure if you'll be able to respond...